7 JanuaryPosted: June 9, 2011
So-On has not called me since he dropped me home early morning on New Year’s Day. I haven’t called him either. I just need some time off from my feelings about him. It seems to me that my love for him is never going to go away, and yet, it’s not really going anywhere particular either, and sometimes I just feel tired of the ache in my heart, and wish I could be ‘not in love’ and have an empty heart for a while.
This has happened several times before. I think of So-On and sure enough, he calls. Perhaps it’s telepathy. Perhaps it’s only that we have settled into a certain pattern of timing about when we call or see each other.
If there was something that sparked off in So-On’s mind when he was dancing with me that day, he seemed to have put out that spark and thrown away the match stick AND the match box. He sounds cheerful, as usual, as if no looks, no moment of any significance had been exchanged between us.
And truth be told, what significance could be attached to the one look he gave me? Hadn’t I given him several such looks over the years, and had he not always left them unexamined, in the realm of the unmentionable?
I am not sure whether I feel relieved that we have slipped back into our old, comfortable best-buddy routine. Or aggrieved at myself for not pushing forward, for not nudging So-On to discuss emotions that may perhaps irretrievably break our friendship. At that thought, I put aside all ideas about nudging, and am content to let him believe that I am only Appi, his best friend, who makes no demands on him.
I am a coward.